What’s that, Slate—are you talking to me?

There’s something I’d like to tell you, Slate, about this “Apple iTV” that I don’t have. But first, you should really fix that widow in the technology tag line. Yes, “it.” (Use a pixel sized font for pixel width columns.)

Maybe the article itself is a little more clued in…

It’s been nearly a year since Apple added downloadable videos and a couch-surfing remote to its lineup… How come none of my Apple-loving geek buddies have Macs in their living rooms?

Guess not.

Look, you can’t really write about technology anymore without using Apple products at least some of the time. The general public isn’t interested in your opinion if you aren’t an expert in the most fashionable five percent of the market. Even The Wall Street Journal knows this. Mentioning your “buddies” who use those products is just pathetic. Let them write the article next time.

My theory is that PC-TV hybrid products like Viiv aim for a sweet spot that doesn’t exist. Very savvy consumers will hack together these setups themselves…

If people actually wanted Viiv-like products, there’d be a lot more do-it-yourself versions while we’re waiting for Intel.

See, it’s not really fair to conflate one product with another, dismiss them both, and then write headlines that implicate only one. Yes, Apple (like shamu) is hot. No, you’re not. The difference between “Viiv” and “the Apple remote” is significant. It has to do with your thesis. We’ll come back to that.

But the geeks seem uninterested. Where are the obsessive bloggers?

Well, here goes nuthin’.

You see Paul, it’s not really that complicated. I didn’t have to “hack together” anything. When I want to watch TV, I just wheel the iMac towards the couch, then plug in the EyeTV. It’s a fairly popular $300 product, and I’m sure Elgato doesn’t regret entering this market you think either doesn’t exist or doesn’t involve profit.

Still confused?

How to watch T.V. on a computer—special Paul Boutin edition

1. Position computer near couch.
2. Plug in EyeTV box and orient HD antenna for free broadcasts.
3. Focus eyes on screen.

Now, about that Apple remote you think is somehow embarrassing to the company. It works with software called “Front Row” (ask your buds about it!) that allows you to use programs from a distance. It works with only a few programs, and in limited ways, but people have (actually) been talking about it. There are even hacks (yes, hacks!) to make the software work on computers that weren’t designed for it.

Front Row has little in common with Viiv, and it is has no clumsy, expensive marketing campaign. Most people think of it as a fun, experimental technology that supplements their computers. See, Apple has this crazy idea that any of its users might be the kind of “geek” who wants do something nontraditional with a computer. There’s no commitment. It’s not like paying extra for a “media” PC, where you might feel gypped if you don’t end up watching TV on it.

It’s really just a remote, Paul.

And that’s what is so great about it. It’s exactly the kind of technology your article would seem to tolerate. It lets some weirdos do their subversive thing without imposing on BestBuy whores and their plasma screens, stacks of black boxes, and five incomprehensible remotes.

I’ll admit a computer-only setup is not for everyone, or even for most people. It puts too many obstacles between a human returning from work and whatever reality television might be on the air. But that’s no excuse to write a “straight from the rocking chair” piece about how you’re unimpressed with something you’ve never used.

Perhaps this is part of an initiative to grab the GMA audience. Next week in Slate: PERILS ONLINE!

Update: Even Slate eventually realized the ignorance of Boutin’s piece.