Publicly, most of us deny any appreciation for reality television. We claim to not watch it, to watch very little, or—my favorite—to watch it but not enjoy it.

I belong to the first group; I’m not sure when I last watched something in the genre, but like a gay man playing it straight in Nebraska, I’ve rigged the game by making it harder to stray.

In our house we have no T.V. At least, nothing that starts making noise and flashing images at you immediately after being turned on. We do watch plenty of broadcast television though, received on an EyeTV 500 box and piped to the iMac. It’s a great setup that provides clear, storable, editable, HDTV video. It’s even legal!

But what it isn’t is convenient. If you want to watch a program, you have to plug the EyeTV box into the computer and place the large, unwieldy HD antenna near a window. It takes about one minute, but the activity is disruptive enough to prevent us from turning it on just to channel surf, or as a dinnertime distraction (God forbid).

So we tune in only for our programs, like last week’s excellent Alias reprisal. (I wonder if my character will be back before the series finale?) We aren’t at all tempted, or not nearly tempted enough, to tune in to anything involving a slowly diminishing cast of argumentative losers.

I used to think of reality television as even less edifying than traditional programming. But being an O.C. regular, that’s a particularly absurd claim for me to make. Televised dramas and grown-up cartoons—the things I love to watch—clearly have no value whatsoever. Reality television, on the other hand, has its origins in documentary filmmaking and many reality shows, including the first one, have been produced by public television.

What is it, then, that is so shameful and offensive about reality T.V.?

It’s an insult to the human race. Its characters, presented as regular people, are manipulated to perform acts of cruelty, stupidity, and crassness, the likes of which I have never witnessed off-screen. With the help of absurd ground rules, cynical casting decisions, and liberal editing, reality T.V. producers turn us from a troubled species into a deplorable one. After a half hour episode of any of these shows, I’m ready to phone in and have Dr. Strangelove drop the damn bomb already.

Beyond the general insult to humanity, it’s hard for me not to empathize with the characters I’m supposed to be mocking. My parents tell me about Airline sometimes (when the telephone conversation has lost all direction) and I’m invariably sympathetic to the guy trying to carry a case of liquor onboard (he’s going to a funeral) or the idiot in a kilt with no underwear.

Haven’t we all been mistreated a little bit in air travel? Haven’t we all done something stupid and been embarrassed? How can we be so quick to laugh at people suffering similar harassment—just because their quirks are different from ours? (If you’re looking for entertainment that questions the tyranny of airline personel, try Flightplan.)

Yet reality television demands that we be obedient children and side with the show’s producers and authority characters. Leland and I watched the first episode of Top Chef together (ah, that would be the last one I’ve seen…). Early on, an Irish cook was forced “off the line” (they play up the lingo) for tasting a sauce with his finger. (To heighten the absudity, this order came from a European chef.) The cook demanded an explanation, wasn’t given one, and was clucked at by the other contenders for protesting at all. In the episode’s somber, clichéd final scene he was predictably thrown out of the competition, ostensibly for his cooking (though I’m sure his dish tasted better than the hilarious mass of raw vegetables that wasn’t eliminated).

Since when does “obey the rules without protest” make compelling programming? Why don’t they just cut to the chase and record the goings-on of a 3^rd grade classroom? The thrill of watching names being written on the chalkboard! The satisfaction of seeing talkative Tommy sent to the corner! Tune in tonight and vote!

As if it weren’t bad enough to portray mankind as a bunch of insufferable jackasses, reality television dupes us into hypocritically laughing at this cheap caricature of ourselves.

Respect yourself. Boycott reality.