NEW YORK EDITION

1. Always fly from LaGuardia for domestic. Unless you’re going to a place where they speak a different language, have perfect weather, or still like Michael Jackson, JFK and Newark simply aren’t worth the trip.
2. Do not fly Delta from LaGuardia. Do you really want to get into a fight with that wild-haired gate agent queen again?
3. Take the subway and bus to LGA. It’s faster, less nausea-inducing, and vastly cheaper than taking a taxi.
4. Take the AirTrain to JFK or Newark. Duh. The AirTrain is the the bomb. (Don’t take that the wrong way.)
5. Don’t ask for the exit row. Leave them for MrLittlePants. He’s very tall and gets grumpy if you’ve already taken his seat.
6. If your flight is greatly delayed or cancelled, take the refund. Seriously, don’t let them bully you around like that. Spend the money on another carrier, or a large screen T.V. and DVDs of the place you were hoping to go for that long weekend.
7. Loathe the TSA. They will never be able to follow their own simple shoe policy. They are lower than dogs.
8. Expect the worst. Be pleasantly surprised! (Or smugly, angrily accurate.)
9. Do as you’re told—follow along in the damn flight safety card. Which picture is your favorite? Ours is of course the flashed-out swimming drag-queen stewardess (pictured above).
10. Flight attendant cross check. One L one R! Two L two R!