A frequent charge against those who criticize America’s SUV binge of the past decade is that critics are “just jealous” (usually phrased differently). Big-time SUV haters lack the means to purchase the hugable vehicles, and would change their tune if they ever had enough money.

Exhibit A: me.

I hate SUVs, yet I do have the disposable income to own one. Parking it would be another matter, but MrLittlePants and I could go whole-hog and buy a commuter-condo on Long Island if we really wanted to. But we don’t.

Still, the “you’re poor” jeer has power because it fits popular stereotypes. If you call to mind a long haired, bearded, guitar-playing, earth-tone clad, SUV-hating lesbian vegan, well it ain’t pretty. But besides that, it also ain’t got enough change for a Hummer.

But wait a second: we can’t just compare stereotypical extremes. What about the average?

Divide Americans into two groups: those who own SUVs and those who don’t. Seems like the SUV group is richer, but don’t forget to count those infamous Limousine Liberals. Here in New York you can’t eat out for dinner without overhearing millionaires deriding SUVs. And, wait, what about the Rolls Republicans? Even some of the conservative wealthy can’t be bothered to climb up into a truck just to ride to the bank for their weekly bath in benjamins.

And then there are those secretly well-off college professors. You probably wouldn’t call them Limo Libs if you saw them running errands in a ‘95 Civic. But they own an apartment in Paris. Oh. La.

I’m afraid we lose anyway; SUV owners probably do have more bank on average than non-owners. But wait—we categorized incorrectly! The question isn’t about those that own SUVs, it’s about those that love or loathe them. And most Americans do fall squarely into one category or the other; that’s why the trucks are such a contentious subject.

Partitioning things that way, we lose Blake Carrington and all the other rich repubs. But guess what SUV lovers: you just got yourselves 100,000 rednecks! That’s right, low income people who will sign for a new Tahoe just as soon as they can get their credit rating back up.

And wait a second, a lot of those hicks already have SUVs, beat up old Chevy Blazers and Ford Broncos in the front yard. We forgot to count them before because of how the debate is framed: bling-bling Hummers vs. hemp-powered Hondas. Old SUVs though, are an expression of the same macho, screw-you impulse as new ones.

All stereotypes considered, it’s a tough call. My hunch is that the truck haters edge out the lovers in average wealth (and education, certainly!), but it could easily go either way if we carried out such an absurd survey.

But now that we’ve brought up the people who like SUVs and just can’t afford a new one, we have to wonder why all these people proclaiming their dislike for the trucks would be lying. What’s the point? If they’re pining away for an Explorer, why not fantasize about it at the next monster truck rally, or why not just buy a beat-up old SUV right now?

Consider further that many “poor” SUV haters earn less money because of their own choices. It’s not that they can’t get a job in a cubicle at Pfizer: it’s that they don’t want that job and won’t be forced into it by the desire for a 4-ton ostentatious display of wealth-on-wheels.

Those who cynically think environmentalists are “that way” because they’re poor have it backwards. They’re poor because they are “that way.” And most of us aren’t poor, anyway. We believe in restraint, planning, and conservation, generally and in our own lives. The idea that we’re one rich uncle’s inheritance away from a Navigator purchase is just plain stupid.

There are a host of reasons we choose not to drive SUVs, many of them non-ecological. Their gluttonous fuel use poses global political problems, and their super-sized bodies endanger normal cars and reduce their visibility in normal situations. It comes down to caring about your fellow humans, or not.

Now I shall retreat to the cave and wait for this selfish, destructive trend to burn itself out. Maybe the next “big” thing thing in cars will be small.